Natures moves toward growth. We can observe growth in plants, animals, humans and more specifically in human relationships. We meet a partner, introduce our partner to our friends, move in together, get married, and then desire to grow our marriage toward more happiness. There is a deep current toward happiness that everyone wants. That is an obvious conclusion. But what gets in way?
The inability to stay in relationship during change gets in the way. The skill of staying in relationship can get disrupted when there is tragedy or individual needs change, such as, wanting to have children, going back to school, or any lifestyle change that can disrupt expectations. One person needs something different than the other. Then how can we stay in relationship instead of polarizing?
Knowledge of Relationship instead
I hear the phrase, “You have to work on a marriage, marriage is work.” First, I think what is the work of marriage? And second, this statement gives me the feeling that marriage is like working in a factory, with bad air and lighting. But what I have observed in my patients and students is the same that I observed in my own forty years of marriage. Marriage confronts my lack of knowledge and wisdom on one hand, and my emotional intelligence and empathy on the other. So there are some things to learn, such as, awareness of the inner life, self-reflection, awareness of expectations, and then how to listen and communicate these discoveries more effectively.
The fruit of learning is knowledge, wisdom, emotional intelligence and empathy; in short, happiness. Yes, there can be big pain in marriage, but most of the time, it is the pain of resistance and defensiveness. So the work of marriage is giving up attitudes and behaviors that worked for awhile, but don’t anymore. The currant of change is much bigger than we are. This is where surrender comes into play.
Uncovering Expectations
These attitudes and behaviors usually operate unconsciously as expectations; “you should or I should” and “if you don’t and I don’t, then it’s wrong”. As each person realizes the expectations they put on themselves and each other, there is a point of growth. Then the expectation can be put out on the table for study:
Is my expectation reasonable?
Am I expecting the other to care for me in ways that I should care for myself?
Do I expect to control this relationship on my terms, being subtly manipulative?
Do I expect they should know what I want, because that is love?
Do I expect them to be a parent or friend that I didn’t have?
Do I expect to be treated negatively because I secretly feel I deserve it?
Do I expect to be taken care of emotionally, so I don’t have to learn any of this stuff?
Do I expect to not have expectations?
There is a learning curve to marriage and relationship. Finding a way to enjoy the learning can make it so much easier. Life will change and relationships will change. Change is dependable. We are a part of nature that wants to bloom.
