I facilitated a support group for fathers who recently had a child diagnosed with autism. This group was even more specific than that. Fathers with children under the age of three who had recently been diagnosed. Many of these men had never attended a group for emotional support and direction. Now, because of their child’s recent diagnosis they needed a way to approach this situation emotionally, feel it, think about it and grieve it. All these men faced a situation with similar characteristics, a situation that asked for a new perspective and emotional transformation.
These men could not just “get over” the emotions and “move on”. They could not just “pick themselves up by the bootstraps” and pretend that “it’s all good”. They first needed to acknowledge an emotional reality, a physical reality, and a new marriage reality that they had not planned. Then the possibility of gratitude and love for their child and family could return in a new way.
The Emotional
The emotional reality began with disappointment and loss. For some men it was the loss of sharing interests with their new son or daughter, such as physical activities and sports, teaching their child how to grow-up, and the intimate bonding that parents can have with their children. Many needed to feel the loss of a “normal life” and to allow themselves to grieve feelings of shock, sadness, anger, and confusion about what to do now?
The Physical
The physical reality demanded more time and attention, more money, and a different way of relating to their wives and other children that they had not expected. The most common response to this diagnosis is diligently looking for the cause and cure or at least the best care available. Some families would get way out of balance with this and spend too much money and family energy, which did not leave enough for basic family needs. There can be high costs for doctors, consultants, therapists, special groups, and schools for their child. Sometimes this is at the cost of neglecting other sons and daughters.
The Marriage
The marriage can be strained by the emotional upheaval of both partners. They do not know how to share individual differences of opinion without blaming each other. One partner might be angry and the other very guilty. They actually need each other desperately. They both feel helpless about the emotions, and helpless about the loss of a dream, and then helpless on how to proceed. As they gradually face the emotional and physical reality together even with different points of view, they are able to find a new perspective about life itself.
Loss and disappointment are the most powerful of teachers. There is nowhere to escape and many times no way to even avoid the situation and emotional pain. It forces one to face reality and make the best of it with the least amount of denial. These men came into the group with various degrees of surrender and humility. They knew that life was different from now on, in a way they could not have imagined. Some could allow the whole range of emotions, from rage at life to deep gratitude toward life. Then, some could experience life was “just” different now and their child still needed love and attention even though dad didn’t get what he expected in return. Then, some found the balance. The balance of caring for their new child, caring for the marriage, and caring for themselves as individuals. If one gets out of balance, the others suffered.
C.G. Jung’s definition of God:
“all things which cross my willful path violently and recklessly, all things which upset my subjective views, plans, and intentions and change the course of my life for better or worse.”
