To have this question, “ How to save your marriage?” means there is deep hurt and confusion in both partners. When I see a couple in therapy, I always assume each person is doing the best they can, given what they have and have not learned about relationships. I also know that almost all problems revolve around the control of money, sex, parenting, work and the in-laws. These five topics represent much more and offer great possibility for growth.
Basic tools that everyone needs:
Listen, listen, listen. Everyone wants to be understood, even if you have a different point of view, listen. Then ask the other person to “just listen”. It is not a competition about who is right and who is wrong.
Respect the other person no matter what they have done. Always remember they have been hurt in the past too. They were raised in the same culture with the same ignorance about relationships and emotions.
Respect yourself by evaluating what is your part of the problem and what is theirs. Don’t lie to yourself. Claiming the whole problem is theirs or yours never works. You chose to be with this person.
How to save your marriage is a team approach, corny as that sounds, it’s that simple.
That doesn’t mean you do not have anger, disappointment and hurt with each other. It means that you work together to understand what the anger, disappointment and hurt means about you, me and us. Each person needs to grow as an individual for the marriage to grow. It takes a little self-reflection.
Whenever there is a vulnerable topic to talk about set the stage first.
For example, “I would like to talk about money and I know that it is difficult for both of us. I know we both want a solution. How about we set a time where we are both ready to work on this.” This would be a time where both of you are not too tired, have not been drinking, or any situation that might interfere. Some of the worst times to solve heated problems are before sleep, as you are leaving the house, or just getting home from work. What is the best time to talk for you?
Physically in danger: go to a place where you feel safe and get help.
If you are being verbally abused and demeaned: you may need to leave the conversation but suggest a time-out and then a time to come back to the conversation. This let’s the other person know that you are not abandoning them and that you care about the future of the relationship.
Only discuss one problem at a time so both partners can feel some resolution and progress. This is very important
Problems get worse when we are not working as a team. Resignation is no way to live. When attacks, pouting, tantrums, competition about winning the argument, and blaming become the name of the game, everyone loses, especially the children.
