Suicidal ideations are ideas, ideas about killing oneself that are mixed with overwhelming emotional pain. I have talked with many people over the years concerning suicide and found it was an opportunity to examine the unexamined. In our conversations we looked at where these ideas were coming from and how they were mixed up with deep feelings both negative and positive.
Are they coming from my helplessness with life in general?
Are they coming from an injury from rejection or some sort of abuse?
What are my ideas about how I would like to kill myself?
What are my ideas about death, after death, spirits, God/Devil, and the feeling of “it’s just too fucking painful to be alive”?
Why would I jump off a bridge, instead of some other way? What’s that about?
It is time to go deeper and bring awareness to what is there. Just to see what is there can be enough, no judgement, no interpretation, no analysis, just shine some consciousness on it. We do not even judge the idea that, “killing myself is the only thing I can control”. The idea that I would have one moment of free will. That is an idea that can be looked at with someone else to rediscover hope.
Black holes
For some, the idea of suicide comes around from time to time because they experience a black hole inside that seems to suck the life out of everything. If we take a closer look, these are places of unresolved hurt that are generational. Like black holes in outer space, they suck light and matter into them.
We may not be able to change the fact of an inner black hole right away but we can learn where it is and how to keep our distance. That approach can give us the freedom that we long for without having to actually kill off the body and mind. We can sacrifice our ego identification with; “I am a fuck up”, “I am unloveable”, “I am a burden to others”, “my life sucks(black holes suck life)”, and so forth.
Sacrifice is ancient. It shows itself in every spiritual tradition from Shamanism to modern Jewish, Christian, Islamic, and Buddhist ideology. Something needs be sacrificed but it is usually the wrong thing. For example, “I need to sacrifice my old ideas that I am worthless or a burden.” That is real sacrifice. That is selfless.
After these conversations with folks on the edge of suicide, I feel touched by their honesty to name what they experience, their sensitivity to feel the paradox of life, and to be with their insight waiting to emerge, waiting for new ideas to emerge.
These individuals have found themselves on a path of meaning whether they want to or not.
In his book Transforming Depression, Jungian analyst, David Rosen, MD studied ten people who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge and survived. “Although the ten had widely divergent views of religion before attempting suicide, they all admitted to feelings of spiritual transcendence after they had leaped.”
David goes on to say, “What I learned from the Bridge-jump survivors has become an integral part of my own healing journey and of the healing journeys I lead my patients to undertake: People can overcome depression and suicidal impulses through egocide.”
What needs to die is a part of the ego ideal. It would be an attitude, a naivety, or an attachment to an idea that is no longer useful.
To kill off the whole body and mind is naive. For example, “I am drowning in despair and shame. I cannot admit this to anyone. No one can help me with this kind of pain. Everyone will be better off if I was dead”. The feelings are real but the interpretation of the feelings needs revision. That is the “healing journey” David is referring too. The old interpretation needs to be shed so something new can replace it.
This person is feeling deep pain but the ideas are very naive. No one can help? How do you know everyone will be better off? Have you asked them? These painful feelings need to be felt and understood in a different way and the old way will naturally have to die off in David’s term, “egocide”.
Suicidal feelings are more common than we think because most do not talk about it. Many people have occasional times of feeling suicidal. Some think about suicide often and others need to go to the hospital right away.
Warning signs of suicide
To get help with suicidal thoughts go to : http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org or call: 1-800-273-8255. This website is excellent and simple. It describes the warning signs that you may see in yourself or a loved one. Suicide help is essential. We cannot do this life alone. Know the suicide warning signs. The danger signs of suicidal ideation are clearly defined so we can help ourselves or a love one get the guidance they need.
