Marriage and Family Counseling for Satisfying Relationships
The primary objective of marriage and family counseling is to improve relationships. There is a method to having satisfying relationships. It is not just a free for all.
There are particular skills and guidelines just as there are skills and guidelines for driving a car. You don’t get to smash into someone, just because you are frustrated with their driving style. And if you do, there are ways to clean up the mess and learn to be a better driver.
Relationship with a marriage partner
A relationship with a marriage partner is one of the most complicated relationships. That is the reason for so many divorces. There is a lot going on that is not understood through our common upbringing and cultural models of healthy marriage. Therefore, we may need help through individual therapy or couples therapy to understand and work through these complexities.
For example, each marriage partner was raised in a different way. Each had different family situations, different parenting styles, maybe different cultural background. These differences can become competitive at times and arguments can arise over who’s way is the “best” or “right way”. Mostly, this competitive tension comes out about how to raise the kids, spend money, sexual attitudes, and how time is “spent”. The goal of marriage counseling is to find away for the couple to work as teammates to raise the kids, be smart about money and have a good sexual relationship. As for time, “We give time to what we love”.
Communication in Relationships
Relationships have a lot to do with communication and how to express ourselves and ask for what we need. We can go to some couples communication classes and even read some good books on couples communication. So much of communication is learning manners; listening, trying not to interrupt, share the space, and express your point of view. Yes, it is very necessary. However, that is just the beginning.
For example, here are some basic tools for talking with one’s partner.
One: Talk about one issue at a time. It is very easy to start bringing in old arguments or parallel issues that do not stay on the topic. It is much easier to work through one issue at a time.
Two: Listen to your partner. Ask questions to find out more about the other’s point of view. It is hard to hold back and listen but tell yourself, “I will have my turn to talk when I hear what my partner has to say. It is the least I can do for them, for us.”
Three: If I made a mistake or hurt the other person some way, apologize, take ownership for what I have done or did not do.
Life demands more from us than following a script and a behavior plan. It pushes us to reflect about life and refine our relationships to be a little smarter and a little kinder to ourselves and others. It is not that simple to just repress the bad and hold onto the good. That behavior plan will not go very far.
Individual Reflection
The emotional struggle that each individual is having within themselves is the tricky stuff, it may have nothing to do with the marriage but it gets triggered and played out in the marriage. That is why individual therapy can give the privacy one needs to explore individual emotional conflicts and release them, so our partners do not have to be the recipients of those conflicts.
For example, if there were hardships growing up, they will get played out in the marriage and the family whether one wants them to or not. Emotions need to be talked about and worked through. This can be done. Working through old pain and confusion can make for an even stronger, smarter marriage and family. We can work with these emotions and attitudes from the abuse growing up, violence of any kind, alcoholism, trauma and loss of a parent through divorce or death. This is the stuff of life that we need to learn about to grow up and not repeat in our marriages and families.
There are many unconscious assumptions in a committed relationship that need to be recognized and then develop a language to talk about them in a safe place, such as, couples counseling. Otherwise, these assumptions create blame and distance in the marriage.
The enrichment as individuals never ends unless we get stuck. If we get stuck, there is help available, whether it is in a friend, teacher, or therapist. If we get help, we are in a better position to help others, to help our children, or to help our partner or friends when they are having a tough time. Helping is very subtle and everyone gets taken in from time to time by insecurity, anxiety, guilt, greed and so one. Learning how to help ourselves and others during these times can be learned as anything else can be learned.
The marriage counselor, individual therapist, or family counselor is the guide for that process. MFT(marriage and family therapist), or PhD.(psychologists) are trained to do this work. Finding one that fits for you is important.
Two good therapist finders:
https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/
http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapist-finder.html
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