I would like to go a little farther with this very good explanation of anger management that was written by: Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., and Melinda Smith, M.A. http://www.helpguide.org/mental/anger_management_control_tips_techniques.htm Please read this first to get a broader picture.
Segal and Smith wrote that anger is often a cover-up for other feelings.
“In order to get your needs met and express your anger in appropriate ways, you need to be in touch with what you are really feeling. Are you truly angry? Or is your anger masking other feelings such as embarrassment, insecurity, hurt, shame, or vulnerability?”
They are pointing to an emotional palate that extends much farther than the red and black of anger. It is a way of making use of these feelings instead of always fighting them off. They are pointing to a way of life that is more fulfilling and meaningful.
For example, instead of getting angry at someone for what they said or did, ask yourself what feelings are underneath the anger? So, instead of an attack with anger it could be something such as: “When you said such and such I felt hurt, was that your intention?” “When you didn’t call me, I got afraid.” “When you were talking to him/her I felt jealous and afraid that I could lose you.” “I’m sorry I got angry with you, I am just tired and hungry and expected you to take care of me someway. I know you can’t fulfill all my expectations”
This approach can move relationships and individuals out of the darkness because each individual is claiming their own experience and not just blaming. This does not devalue anger in the least. This is saying anger is a part of life, but when it becomes our bread and butter everyone gets sick.
Having anger at parents, relatives, neighbors, or anyone who has done harm is a natural and necessary response that alerts us to our hurt and says to others to back off and wake up. Then we can enter into some conversations about deeper feelings and attitudes, instead of who was wrong or bad.
How do we heal the hurt?
Sometimes we have the opportunity to work through hurt with someone, such as a relative or an old friend. Sometimes we don’t have that opportunity because a relative isn’t emotionally mature enough, even though they may have been our parent. Or they have moved away or died. That can be sad and disappointing. So, from this sadness, we can grieve the loss of possible healing with another. Then we can find our own direction of healing the hurt whether it be with a psychotherapist, education, art expression, spiritual practices and so forth, which results in empathy and meaning.
Everyone has emotional hurt from someone, of varying degree. What we do with that hurt and what it does with us can become a conscious unfolding, so it doesn’t get lost in blame and victimization too long. As we learn our way with anger it can be used to wake up and wake up others, not in a mean way or a shaming way, but in a way that honors our dark feelings as well as the light ones.
