In some cultures, an arranged marriage is the norm when it comes to choosing your life partner. These carefully planned unions leave little to no choice for the couple to be. So what are some of the reasons they never work out? We take a look at some of the disadvantages to these kinds of arrangements, and also why they can be beneficial.
Arranged Marriage
In the western world, the thought of an arranged marriage would sound ludicrous to some. However, there are many countries and cultures in the world where this practice is observed and celebrated, usually with great results.
Set Up By The Parents
Arranged marriages are those that have been set up by the parents of the bride and groom, a family member, or a professional matchmaker. There are many different types including forced arrange marriages where either party has no choice or consensual ones, where both must agree.
Whichever type is entered into, there is the possibility that they won’t work out. However, the reasons that these marriages don’t work will be different from a regular union as the problems that arise are quite specific to this type of partnership. We’re here to look at why they often don’t work, as well as why they can be a wonderful thing at times.
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What Happens in An Arranged Marriage?
Times have changed when it comes to arranged marriages. And the notion that a couple is forced into lifelong matrimony whether they like it or not is becoming less likely. In a typical modern arranged marriage in a country like India, the individual’s family members and parents will screen suitable candidates until they find one that will fit their child.
Proceed or Divorce
After they find someone suitable, both families meet for a discussion to learn more about them and the individual that their child may be partnered with. If everything works out, the potential partners will spend some time together and come up with their answer within a few days whether or not they want to proceed.
This process may sound simple enough and like there is a lot of choices given to the couple to be. But there are still many things that can go wrong with this kind of setup. However, it’s important to note that Indian marriages have one of the lowest rates of divorce with just 1 in 100 failing. Not only that, but they also report high levels of long-term satisfaction in these partnerships.
The Reasons Why They Don’t Work Out
There are certainly times when an arranged marriage may work out. And with such high rates of marital satisfaction in countries like India, it’s obvious that something is going right. There are times when they don’t work though. These should all be considered before entering into this type of union.
They Create Resentment
Falling in love and choosing a partner is a very personal thing and one that only we can decide for ourselves. In the case of an arranged marriage where it is presumed or forced upon one or both of the parties, this can cause a lot of resentment towards family and possibly even the new spouse.
Resentment in a relationship can be a toxic emotion which can lead to other issues like anger and depression. Experts believe that resentment is one of the worse feelings that can occur in a relationship and is also the hardest to recover from.
Couples May Not Be A Fit
Choosing a partner to be with for life means finding someone that shares your interests and passions. Otherwise, it will be a difficult relationship to navigate. When other people are doing the work of pairing you up it’s a lot harder to ensure that you will be a fit together.
While many arranged marriages do work because family members know the individuals well it’s not always a guarantee. Many people hide things from their families still. Or may have a different persona that they reserve for their friends and family. Therefore, knowing whether you’ll be a fit is something that needs to be discovered over months of dating.
Trouble With In-Laws
In-laws are a potential problem in non-arranged marriages. But you have the added bonus of knowing about them beforehand by spending time with family members and in-laws before you take the serious step of marriage. You’re given some time to reflect over whether or not you’re a fit for their family.
With an arranged marriage, it’s presumed that the families are already quite involved in the lives of their adult children as they are arranged this very serious union for them. There’s no chance to assess the family if you don’t know them and look for any potential red flags that may cause a problem down the line.
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Other Relationships
It’s no surprise that adults like to date, even in cultures were arranged marriages occur. So, what happens if somebody is already in a relationship but they are being set up in an arranged marriage separate from that partnership?
Apparently, this is a common occurrence, and people sometimes come into their arranged marriage with attachments to an ex-partner. When the union is more forced than consensual you may need to leave behind a partner that you already have which will only lead to further resentment and potentially unfaithfulness.
Your Partner Is Unkown to You
Many of us have had an experience meeting someone and thinking that we had an idea about them, only to find weeks or months later that we were wrong. People can lie about their jobs, previous relationships, living arrangements, and many other things. When you enter into an arranged marriage, there’s no way to back out of this once you’re in this deep, so it can be a scary thought.
Some individuals in arranged marriages have reported finding out things about their partner that have ruined the relationship. Anger problems, a controlling nature, serious debt, bad habits, an ex that’s still involved, or an unmatched sense of humor are all things that could cause issues in marriages. With an arranged marriage though, there’s no way of knowing if any of these could arise.
Mental and Physical Health Issues
When you’re in the dating phase, you learn a lot about the other person. One thing that will become obvious is any mental or physical health conditions they might have, which could absolutely alter your decision to make them a lifelong partner.
Individuals suffering from a range of conditions including depression, anxiety, narcissistic or abusive behavior which will impact a relationship. Physical conditions like erectile dysfunction could potentially cause problems in a marriage and leave an individual to feel as though their needs weren’t being met.
Potential Benefits of an Arranged Marriage
Although there are many things which can go wrong with marrying someone you don’t know, there are also benefits. As your parents are the ones which organize the union, you trust that they know you well and will be pairing you with someone who would be suitable for you and a respectable spouse.
Another benefit is the knowledge that your cultural and religious backgrounds will usually align. As a common issue in relationships and marriage is an unmatched belief system, this completely eliminates this problem from ever arising.
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Lower Rates of Divorce
It may be worth noting that the countries where arranged marriages are common also have lower rates of divorce. Whether this is because divorce is more frowned upon or because the unions seem to be stronger than in some western countries is unknown, but still interesting to observe.
When it comes to modern arranged marriages, it seems that many of the countries and cultures who still take part are happy with the tradition. A reported 74% of Indian men and women aged between 18 – 35 would prefer an arranged marriage to one that they initiated themselves, which proves how successful they have been in that culture.
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A Choice for Families and Individuals to Make
There are many cultures around the world who celebrate arranged marriages. And depending on personal circumstances and family dynamics, this may be an approach that works for some. However, it’s important to be mindful of the potential issues that arise with this type of setup. So that you can be prepared to meet problems as they occur.
Modern Arranged Marriage Vs. Traditional Arranged Marriage
Modern arranged marriages look very different today than most traditional arrangements did. And there is usually a lot more say by the individuals. This will hopefully eliminate some of the issues that occurred with these setups which result in growth rates of happy and satisfied arranged unions.
For many, they prefer this arrange setup to looking on their own and navigating their way through the world of dating. Doing everything you can to learn about your new potential partner before the union is a great way to ensure there are no surprises that you can’t deal with down the line.
