Couples counseling techniques are simple. These are techniques that everyone needs to learn whether they are in couples counseling or not. Couples counseling techniques are guidelines toward maturity. Maturity is a balance between adult responsibility and the creativity and joy of a child. This maturity is expressed with another. But we can get out of balance when we are overly identified with the adult. In this situation we become hard-line, rule bound, and diminished humor. When we get over identified with the child, there is irresponsibility, self-centeredness, and a whatever attitude. Therefore, couples counseling techniques provide a way to be generous with your partner.
The most important technique is listening. Here is how it’s done. First you ask your partner: What’s up? How are you doing? Are you okay? Some version of genuine concern. Then you shut up and listen. There will be all kinds of stuff you want to say while you are listening, surging up inside of you. Normally, we have advice, or spin it to something they say back to us and start talking again. We all want to help our partner and listening is that exact help they need. When you are listening you can tell yourself that you will have your turn to talk after they are finished. Usually you can tell when they’re finished by a dropping off in the energy of what they are talking about. Then that is a time to either ask a question, reflect to them what you heard, or express your point of view.
The next most important technique is talking. Talk from your feeling or your point of view without judging or blaming what the other person has said. Remember there isn’t a right or wrong position there are just different points of view. It is extremely important to talk from your feeling with your partner because this is where trust and intimacy are established. For example, if my partner says she wants to buy something that I feel is too expensive. It is a lot easier to stay in dialogue if I say, that scares me, rather than saying, over my dead body you will. Remember there are always more than just two solutions, my way or your way. Then a broader discussion can take place which can be a review of how we share money, work, play and life itself.
Appreciation may be an even more important technique. The modern world isn’t necessarily supportive when it comes to meaningful relationships. It stresses quantity over quality. Be careful. The gold is in the relationships. Remember to thank, appreciate openly, and give in unseen ways to others. This can be as simple as appreciating someone for washing your clothes, working hard all week, or doing their homework night after night. Genuine appreciation soothes the sole.
