Relationships take a lot of mental and emotional work. When things go well, emotions run high, but when they go poorly, emotions can become negative and erratic. You might end up feeling emotionally drained after a while and even want to throw in the towel. Trying to find that crucial balance between the two polarities takes some time, but with practice, you can learn how to control your emotions in a relationship.
1. Be Proactive Instead of Reactive
You can start learning how to control your emotions in a relationship by being proactive instead of reactive. Being proactive means having to slow down and think before you speak, especially when you’re angry, sad, or frustrated.
Your significant other might be behaving toward you in a way that you don’t like, or you might just be dealing with a naturally difficult person. Either way, whenever you feel stressed, anxious, or discouraged in your relationship, take a step back and ask yourself important questions like “What lesson can I take from this?”
Once you’ve figured out how to not be emotionally reactive, you can start being proactive by finding solutions to the problems you encounter.
2. Allow Yourself Time to Cool Down
Allowing yourself time to chill can help you learn how to control your emotions in a relationship. Spend some time apart from your loved one when things get heated, and let them know you just need that time to yourself to calm down and refocus. Doing this is not selfish or putting off dealing with the problem; it is simply giving you the opportunity to reclaim your rational thinking capabilities and better process what is happening.
Spend your cool-down time doing something you enjoy. Engage in one of your hobbies, whether it is writing, drawing, going for a walk, listening to music, or getting in a good workout at the gym. Exercise in particular has the ability to alter your brain’s chemicals, making them more effective at relieving stress and promoting positive thinking.
3. Notice What Is Bothering You
Is there something nagging at you that you can’t quite put your finger on? Figure out how to control your emotions in a relationship by figuring out what it is that’s bothering you. The answer probably will not come to you right away. In fact, it could take days or even weeks. However, the more frequently you pause to think about what is bothering you, the sooner you might get your answer.
Try talking to a trusted friend or writing down in a journal how you feel. What events in your relationship might be causing you to feel the way you do? Make note of those, then read back over everything you have written to see if you can establish any connections.
4. Think Realistically
When we get emotional, we tend to think with those emotions rather than our rational mind. It is important to embrace these emotions, but they also need to be rationalized in order for you to figure out how to control your emotions in a relationship.
What kind of self-talk are you engaging in when you’re emotional? Which thoughts occur in these situations, and which emotions result? Oftentimes, when we are feeling stressed or anxious, we take it out on ourselves and the people closest to us. Consider changing your statements to reflect a more balanced and realistic way of thinking.
5. Establish Your Vision
What do you want to get out of your relationship? Are your needs being met? You should have a healthy vision of what you want (and expect) from your relationship. If you don’t have one, it’s time you establish it.
An imbalance of needs being met or having unrealistic expectations can absolutely result in your emotions spiraling out-of-control. Set up the foundation for your realistic needs and expectations, then discuss these with your partner. Allow them to chime in with what their vision is, and see if you can find a way to work together to achieve it.
6. Engage in Open Communication
Learning how to control your emotions in a relationship means finding how to constructively express them. When you find yourself wrapped up in your emotions, you might not notice how you are relaying them to your partner.
Once you’ve cooled down and processed your emotions, speak your feelings to your partner using open communication. Avoid using accusatory “you” statements and focus on “I” statements instead. Using “I think” and “I feel” can help you open up with your loved one and effectively convey your emotions in a calm and rational way.
7. Start Replacing Your Negative Thoughts
As the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy model shows, replacing negative thoughts with more positive and realistic ones can help you learn how to control your emotions in a relationship. By paying attention to all of your thoughts and self-statements, you can begin to identify problems and create solutions.
Start asking what evidence you have for your thoughts. Is there anything that provides contradictory evidence? Just how accurate are your thoughts? Think about the realistic statements you can swap in for those negative thoughts. The more you practice it, the more natural it will become.
8. Practice Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a powerful thing. While you might not be able to forget whatever caused your emotions to turn sour, you can start forgiving your significant other. You can also forgive yourself.
Whatever indiscretions have happened and whatever the results might have been, offering forgiveness can help you move forward and ultimately have better control over your emotions. Psychologically and emotionally, you might start feeling better, as though a weight has been lifted off your chest.
Final Thoughts
Learning how to control your emotions in a relationship takes practice, so changes won’t just happen overnight. The important thing is that you follow through with taking time out to process your emotions and turn them into rational and ultimately helpful thoughts that lend themselves to open communication.
