Getting out of a toxic relationship isn’t easy, nor is getting over it. As with the end of any relationship, there is a grieving process involved. Grieving the loss of a relationship, even with a toxic person, looks a little different for everybody, and there is no time limit or “right” way to do it.
There are, however, a few different methods that can help you work through the emotional aftermath. You can successfully learn how to get over a toxic relationship, given time and tide.
Let Go of the Fantasies
First off, you should know that intimate partner violence (IPV) is often intangible, meaning that it is more mental and emotional in nature. This makes it harder for even its victims to recognize than physical abuse. Despite this kind of abuse, those who end up in toxic relationships tend to follow fantasies.
Do you find yourself thinking, “He/she will treat me better in the future if I…”? Chances are, you do – and often. Unfortunately, your partner will likely not make the reasonable changes you expect from them if they haven’t already committed to doing so. Leaving a toxic relationship means leaving the fantasy life behind.
Think about what you give this person, what you get from them, and what you deserve. This means having to think about how dysfunctional the relationship is and how unwilling your loved one has been to enact positive changes. You cannot force them to change, and the longer you hang on, the more toxic the relationship will likely become.
Exit the Relationship
You will likely have to be the one to make the executive decision to exit the relationship. Why? Toxic people tend to hold onto those who they know they can control or from whom they can get one-sided benefits without having to give of themselves.
Exiting a toxic relationship is much easier said than done. However, it can be accomplished when you start to realize your value. Create a personalized mantra that can help you get through the tough times. For example, your mantra might be “I am giving my all by walking away from this relationship. I deserve better.”
Drop All Contact
You might find yourself tempted to keep this person in your life. Keep in mind that you are under no obligation to remain in contact. In fact, dropping all contact can better enable you to move on and establish a more positive relationship with yourself. Delete your toxic person from your phone, e-mail, and social media accounts.
You will likely feel hesitant about doing so, and that is totally normal. However, keeping a toxic person in your life can hold you back from truly getting over that relationship. Most of the time, it is better to just let them go.
Practice Acceptance
When you’re in a toxic relationship, you don’t typically focus as much on yourself as you do on your loved one and the relationship itself. Part of learning how to get over a toxic relationship is coming to terms with what was, what is, and what you want for yourself.
The relationship probably wasn’t always bad, and it’s okay to acknowledge the good and bad parts. Embrace the reality of the relationship. Similarly, the person you were in it with probably isn’t all good or bad, and it’s important to accept their reality.
Of course, the biggest hurdle will be accepting your role in the relationship. While you might not have made an early exit, you did the best you could in that relationship. Your efforts were not wasted, and having been in a toxic relationship does not make you a weak person.
In keeping with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), you are not a broken or damaged person. Your emotional experiences during and after your toxic relationship are legitimate. Making the commitment to engaging in more positive behaviors and relationships (including the one you have with yourself) is a crucial step in figuring out how to get over a toxic relationship.
Prioritize Yourself
Figuring out how to get over a toxic relationship involves taking yourself off the back burner. It is okay to make yourself a priority! Start focusing on the goals you want to accomplish. If you are thinking about dating again, consider what went poorly and what went well in your previous relationship. What lessons did you learn about yourself? What is it that you need from a relationship? What are your boundaries and deal-breakers?
There’s nothing wrong with getting back into a relationship when you feel the time is right. There is also nothing wrong with staying single. Learning to prioritize yourself means figuring out what you want from life and pursuing it with passion and integrity.
Reassess Your Relationship From a Distance
Once you’ve accepted the toxic relationship for what it was, you can reassess it from a distance. Learning how to get over a toxic relationship takes time, so you don’t have to reassess it right after you leave it. When you’re ready, think about the pros and cons of that relationship without dwelling on the “could’ve, would’ve, should’ve” thoughts (which you likely experienced right after leaving the relationship or even during it).
Think about some potential red flags from that relationship. Which attitudes and behaviors were clues to the toxicity in that relationship? What did your loved one say or do that caused you pain, and how did you respond? How would you respond now that you have endured and exited a toxic relationship?
Regardless of how much time you need to take, you can learn how to get over a toxic relationship. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to go about doing this. It is, of course, important that you keep everything in perspective and remain true to the facts. Keeping yourself away from that toxic individual can help you strengthen your sense of self-worth and freedom to live the life you deserve.
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