If there is one thing a couple can do to grow a richer marriage it would be to deepen the emotional conversations. It takes some simple learning, a little courage and a hell of a lot of curiosity.
The art of emotional conversation and the art of making love are very similar. The end result can be very much the same, powerful or not.
The potential for growth in marriage is powerful. Powerful because it affects so many people. Marriage pushes the two individuals to grow and mature as well as pushing the children to do the same. Everyone longs for rich relationships, conversations are a primary link to that richness. Marriage provides a model of relationship that kids learn from.
As the individuals learn to grow, the couple grows through deeper conversations. That work affects their children and extended social family. I am not against chitchat, that is all part of the foreplay but if that is as far as a relationship goes, the connection begins to decay and emotional and sexual intimacy withers.
How to Deepen the Emotional Conversation
The Basics:
- One person talks at a time and the other listens.
It is helpful to have some sense of equality when listening and speaking. One person may need to talk for a long time as long as the other can do the same when the time comes.
A Little More Advanced:
Asking Questions
Learning how to ask genuine questions of another is essential in having deeper emotional discussions. Instead of assuming what the other person is thinking and feeling, ask them. “What is your feeling?” “What do you mean by that?” Ask questions you really want to know about, such as how your partner feels and thinks about something. It could be something you have been wondering about yourself.
Listening and hearing
When your partner begins to answer a question, hear and feel how they respond. Listen as if you have no idea where they are going because really you don’t, even if it is the same problem that they have been working on, you can ask different questions when you have been listening attentively.
Spontaneous creativity in conversation comes from an open mind, a non-judgmental mind. Understanding comes from an open mind, not an assuming mind. Kindness comes from an open mind, not closed to empathy.
There is so much more depth communicated when the listener has an open mind, just open, relaxed, and receptive.
Stay with whatever comes up, without judgement. Notice how we can judge our judging. Isn’t that curious? And when you do, just notice it. You might want to think about that later or talk about it with your partner as it is happening. This is more advanced. Just come back to the focus of the conversation when your mind strays. It is the same as meditation.
Confirming and Clarifying 
It is important to confirm what you are hearing, occasionally.
For example: “It sounds like you feel………). This could be whatever feeling you heard or felt them express: hurtful, wonderful, sad, exciting, etc.
“I hear you saying ……….(x,y and z).” “Is that it?”
Then the speaker can clarify what they are feeling or saying.
For example, “Are you feeling angry?” “No, I wasn’t angry, I was hurt.” “What hurt you, again? I want to get this.”
Expressing Oneself in Marriage
We need to be aware of subtler emotions and deeper thoughts to speak about them. In other words, we need to be aware of our own depths to have anything to contribute to the deeper conversations in our marriage.
This is where a little courage comes in. To be aware of something sensitive within ourselves is one thing, then to share it with your partner is another. Start with sharing feelings and thoughts that are safe. This gradual deepening creates trust in marriage. As we develop this awareness by listening to ourselves we can then have the material to share with our mate. We can gradually deepen the conversation as we settle into the subtleties.
For example, “I noticed a restlessness within me today. I think I have always had it but just didn’t notice it.” Partner: “Go on about the restlessness.” “What is the restlessness about?”
Complaining is helpful to get started with expressing oneself, as long as it can lead into some self-reflection. Complaining without self-reflection creates stagnation.
Advanced: I, you and we 
As we become more sensitive in our conversations a much broader and deeper experience begins to happen. We each become more sensitive to our own minds, and we both become more sensitive to what we create together, us. These three qualities of I, you, and we become more distinct. By tending to these three qualities magic can happen as well as better practical decision-making about money, kids and future planning.
This is an advanced skill: when one can carefully listen to another and carefully listen to one’s self simultaneously and be aware of what we are creating together.
So, with our partner there is an awareness of subtler feelings, subliminal thoughts, a broader range of sensations and clearer intuitions that get stimulated within oneself, the other and a combination which creates a third.
When a judgement does pop up in your mind just let it go by and continue to listen, sense and feel what your partner is saying or not saying. Listen to their silences when they are reflecting or thinking about something. Stay with their presence.
When the timing feels right, shift over to speaking about something that was touched in you. Speak as genuinely as you listened.
Gradually, as both partners can stay with each other and not get sidetracked too much, and if they do get sidetracked or argumentative, they can bring the conversation back to the issue.
Deepening a conversation can feel as if both people are digging for truth, love or a new meaning or to awaken an old meaning that has been forgotten. It is a creative process that needs individuals open to their own needs, feelings and associations.
You will gradually become more aware of a spontaneous back and forth conversation that feels as if both are working together, rather than one using the other or trying to subtly make them feel small or win. And it is never subtle.
Evolution of a marriage is based on awareness and understanding. We usually hear that marriage is based on love. But, what if the love is blocked by negative feelings. First we have to become aware of the negative feelings and then understand what to do about them, how to talk about them. As we evolve in a relationship, we become more aware of what gets in the way of love and how to do something with it. So, the love comes back.
Example: Deeper conversation 
A Asked B while they were making dinner and taking care of the kids at the same time. “How did your day go?”
B says, “I can’t talk about it now. The short version is, the day sucked, it was awful. Let’s talk about it later after the kids are in bed.”
A says, “for sure”
A needs to respect B’s request to talk later but it triggered feelings in A that A now has to hold and work with, until A get’s a time to talk about what was coming up.
A was aware of feelings of anxiety and dread coming up in A’s mind. Those feelings were triggered when B said the day was “awful” for B.
A knows that when B is hurting it triggers feelings from A’s unconscious that have nothing to do with B. They are feelings that A understands has to do with feeling “left behind” as a child. A’s father was alcoholic and would not come home when he was stressed at work.
A knows this dynamic from past conversations with B and from psychotherapy. When B is having a hard time A gets scared, very common. A also understands there is a strong urge to control B, tell B what to do or blame B for making A “feel bad”.
A does not want to wait and talk later, so begins to spin with anxiety inside. A understands that to try and work through this right before dinner could make A and B feel even worse and create too much distance and they may not talk for days.
A is going to stay with the agreement and talk later but A needs to calm down a little. A is able to breath and feel through these feelings until later that night when they could talk.
Later, when the kids are in bed, A ask’s B, “Are you ready to talk about what happened today?” B says yes and begins to talk about how angry B got with B’s boss at work.
Very Advanced:
A was able to stay calm enough to listen, ask questions, hear feelings and express a point of view about B’s situation. B calmed down because B felt heard. They know from past experience, if they can stay reasonably calm they can move through emotional states of mind with less personal struggle and blaming arguments about, “You made me feel this way”.
All this time A is holding what A wants to talk about.
A says to B, “I have some stuff that got triggered earlier. Would you be up for talking about it, I know it’s late?”
B says, “Yes, go ahead.”
A says, “I’m always surprised how afraid I get when you are having a hard time. Instead of actually feeling the fear that got triggered in me before dinner, I wanted to demand you talk about it right then. But the grown up part of me knew the time was not right with the kids there and we were all hungry and tired.”
A goes on, “By staying with the anxiety tonight I realized how dependent I am on you. I am afraid of being dependent on you. Many times in the past I’ve gotten mad at you just because I feel needy.”
B is listening calmly as possible, staying with A’s feelings. B says, “This feels deep and very vulnerable.”
B says, “I am sure glad you told me this. Is there more?”
A says, “Yes, but it is late. Let’s talk about it more this weekend when we are more rested.”
“Seldom or never does a marriage develop into an individual relationship smoothly and without crises. There is no birth of consciousness without pain.” C.G. Jung, Marriage as a Psychological Relationship
CONTINUE WITH PART TWO: Growing a Marriage: Deepening the Emotional Conversation, part 2
Related Links in this blog:
How to Build Trust in Marriage
