Learning how to live with a narcissist is anything but easy. This person may be a family member, significant other, or a roommate. Either way, understanding their words and actions can be, at the very least, confusing. The things that this person might say and do can be hurtful and unfounded.
The key to learning how to live with a narcissist is to educate yourself on what it means for an individual to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Your loved one might not want to seek treatment for this disorder. Moreover, it is not recommended that you attempt to diagnose this person yourself. You need to be aware of what it entails to help you navigate daily life with your loved one.
Understanding What Being a Narcissist is Like
Most of us will never understand what it is like to be a narcissist, but some of us end up living with someone who has narcissistic qualities. The truth is, there are seemingly quite a few different sub-types of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), so your loved one might operate a bit differently than someone else who also has NPD.
People with NPD tend to lack feelings of empathy for others. Not only will they struggle to understand you and your emotions, but they might even blame or ridicule you if you attempt to offer them even constructive criticism regarding their behaviors. They simply cannot see themselves as others might see them.
When their self-esteem takes a hit, someone with NPD will either experience a severe mood decline which leads them into self-shaming and depression or will demonstrate an even more grandiose sense of self-worth.
Why “Whole Objects” and Object Constancy Don’t Exist to Narcissists
When learning how to live with a narcissist, it is important to know that, unlike many of us, those with NPD don’t possess whole object relations. In other words, they do not simultaneously see both the positive and negative qualities in others. In fact, someone is usually entirely good or awful to an individual with NPD. This doesn’t typically have anything to do with you as a person, and their opinions of you will fluctuate between the two polarities.
For the narcissist, happiness is merely a fleeting emotion, and they will disregard the previous happiness they’ve experienced with you when something they perceive as being bad happens. Narcissists lack object constancy, which means that they are unable to keep in mind that you are reliable and trustworthy. This is seemingly due to their inability to perceive whole object relations.
Shouldering Responsibility
When something goes wrong in your relationship, you might find yourself shouldering a lot of the blame. Receiving unjust blame and ridicul can be extremely hurtful, but someone with NPD will likely not empathize with you after the fact. So, while you receive the blame, you are also unlikely to get an apology after the conflict is over.
As you learn how to live with a narcissist, it is important that you understand that this person will not accept blame. You can word your critique as nicely and tactfully has possible; they are still unlikely to see it from your point-of-view. Once the conflict is over, your loved one might act as though nothing has happened and will likely not understand why this incident was so upsetting to you.
Since apologies are rare for those with NPD, you might find your loved one making small gestures (such as a gift) as a method of reparation. This is a way for them to apologize without having to utter the words “I’m sorry” and verbally admit their part in the issue.
Picking Your Battles
Unfortunately, learning how to live with a narcissist means that you will have to pick your battles as wisely as possible. When you decide that a battle is worth fighting, you need to go into it with the knowledge that your loved one has not processed any of your past arguments.
It will be up to you to decide whether you want to maintain a relationship with this person. If this person is a member of your family, you might need to consider how much distance you need to have between the two of you to keep the relationship somewhat functional. If this is your significant other, you might wish to weigh the pros and cons of the relationship. Are you feeling hurt after every argument with no sense of closure? If so, you might find yourself needing to terminate the relationship.
Stand By Your Boundaries
Whatever boundaries you set in your relationship, it is important that you stand by them. This is key to how to live with a narcissist. When you engage them on issues that you know will challenge them, use “we” language instead of “you”. “We” tends to sound less accusatory and might be more digestible for someone with NPD.
Of course, your loved one might not respect your boundaries. They might not even recognize that you have boundaries because they focus so much on their own. It is okay for you to assert your boundaries in a tactful way and be firm in them. Much of what your loved one says when they critique you should hit below-the-belt.
Verbal abuse can escalate into physical abuse, so it is important to keep your physical and emotional safety in mind when dealing with your loved one. If you feel threatened, you need to consider your options for finding safety.
Asking For Help
One of your options for learning how to live with a narcissist (or recover from the abuse inflicted by someone you previously had a relationship with) is to reach out and ask for help. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is just one of the multiple types of therapy that are available for learning to cope with the negative thoughts and emotions that can creep in after you have lived with someone with NPD.
Remember, the term “narcissist” describes a person’s actions or attitudes, not their whole person. While your loved one might struggle to see others in a holistic way, you have that ability and, therefore, can demonstrate empathy and compassion. Pick your battles wisely, and do not feel too ashamed to ask for help.
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