The experiences we face in childhood tend to shape who we are and, therefore, become parts of us that we carry over into adulthood. While many of these experiences mold us in positive ways, there are some issues that can arise during childhood that make adulthood more difficult. One such issue is abandonment.
When you are figuring out how to overcome abandonment issues from childhood, you will have to face some intense emotions. These emotions might feel overwhelming while trying to deal with them on your own, so keep in mind that there is no shame in reaching out and asking for help.
Acceptance of the Issues
When you are learning how to overcome abandonment issues from childhood, one of the biggest steps you will have to take is accepting the fact that you have abandonment issues. In fact, the key aspect of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) – should you decide to take this route – is accepting your thoughts, feelings, and experiences for what they are. When you do this, you can begin to formulate goals for yourself and commit to working on them.
Understand the Impact
Abandonment during childhood can be particularly traumatic. It often gives way to feelings of shame and a low sense of self-worth. Learning how to overcome abandonment issues from childhood involves dealing with the shame and low self-esteem.
As a child, you might have started to feel unable to trust anyone to stick around. You might have also gotten the blame for someone else’s choices, including their abandonment of you. You might have also felt that your needs were not as important as everyone else’s. These are all common emotional experiences children have when they face abandonment. Understanding the impact these things had on you as a child can help you comprehend why you have abandonment issues as an adult.
Recognize and Stop Your Generalizations
Those who abandon us in childhood tend to set a pattern for how we view and trust (or don’t trust) others, especially with regard to our closest relationships. For example, if your father abandoned you when you were little, you might find that, as an adult, you struggle to trust the men you date. You might even avoid dating because you generalize men, assuming that they will all abandon you.
Generalizations tend to keep us from seeing who a person truly is because we do not differentiate them from those who have hurt us in the past. Learning how to overcome abandonment issues from childhood means having to break free from those generalizations and treat every person as an individual, starting them off with a clean slate.
Find Your Center
While you are going through the process of learning how to overcome abandonment issues from childhood, you will need to build your toolbox of positive coping mechanisms. One of the most helpful things you can do for yourself is to have a safe area where you can go (both physically and mentally) whenever you feel overwhelmed and need to calm down.
Finding your center is a term you often hear used in yoga and other meditative practices, but it can be applied to everyday situations. To do this, you must pay attention to when you are feeling off-kilter and what is causing you to have those feelings. It is up to you to choose how you are going to redirect your energy, so awareness is important. Focus on your breath, inhaling deeply through the nose and exhaling through your mouth.
Once you have observed your thoughts and feelings, you can start thinking about how you intend to act on them. Try asking yourself “What are my choices right now? Which is the best one I can make?” While you think about this, you can create intention by visualizing or feeling yourself as being calm from an exterior point-of-view.
Communicate Your Needs
Every relationship requires communication. When you are learning how to overcome abandonment issues from childhood, you might find you struggle to communicate your needs to others. During childhood, we learn scripts for communication. Children who are abandoned tend to have scripts that are based on the fear of abandonment.
Overcoming abandonment issues means making changes to those old scripts. You can start compiling a written list of your usual scripts. What are the things you say to your loved ones when you fear they might abandon you? How different are they from the cold, rational thoughts you have when you aren’t afraid?
When you are ready to communicate your emotions and needs, use feeling words (such as “scared” or “worried”). Also, keep everything you say in first-person (“I, me, my” language) as much as possible. This helps to avoid creating defensiveness in your loved one and can lead to more open and honest communication.
Allow Yourself to Trust Others
Here’s the biggest hurdle of them all. Allowing yourself to trust others is intimidating but crucial. The people who truly love you will do their best to stick around and support you, but you have to allow them the opportunity. When you have trust issues related to abandonment, you might find you unintentionally push others away due to your behavior. You might feel you are protecting yourself by erecting a wall around you.
However, this behavior can be destructive and potentially become a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you open yourself up to trusting others, you might find that more people are keen on hanging around you. Establish boundaries of trust within yourself and within your relationships, and don’t hesitate to express yourself when you worry the others are crossing those lines.
Learning how to overcome abandonment issues from childhood is difficult, but you can do it over time. If you find yourself struggling to work through your emotions, don’t feel ashamed about reaching out for help. There are trustworthy people out there (including licensed counselors) who will not abandon you when you need their help.
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