Jealousy is an emotion that is complex and, therefore, pretty difficult to deal with. It is something that we all experience at different points in our lives and, for the most part, are able to cope with. However, there are certain situations that can cause us to not process our jealousy in a way that is healthy for us. Jealousy and the negative thoughts that accompany it can become emotionally, mentally, and physically toxic over time.
How are you supposed to know if your feelings of jealousy are truly toxic? It is important to pay attention to what triggers these feelings and the thought processes that result. Through doing this, it is possible to find out how to overcome jealousy and, most importantly, establish a healthy amount of self-love and self-acceptance.
Anger and Worry: The Emotions Behind Jealousy
The first step in how to overcome jealousy is to recognize the emotions that tend to be behind it. As several studies have found, jealousy seems to be often linked with feelings of low self-esteem (or, in some cases, extremely high self-esteem) and aggression. One study from 2005 suggests that adolescents are particularly prone to feeling jealous of their peers and experience correlating feelings of loneliness as well as physical and passive aggression.
But what about adults? The truth is that we all have our own sets of beliefs about who we are. This is what we typically call our “self-image”. When something comes into conflict with that set of beliefs and we perceive ourselves to fall short of these expectations we have for ourselves, we tend to worry that we will look inadequate in the eyes of others. When others intentionally or unintentionally make us feel inferior, we might experience anger and aggression.
While these emotional responses are not unnatural, the extent to which they are felt can be overwhelming. Anger, for example, is an instinctive response that we learn early in life. Sometimes, anger can help us get what we want. In some cases, this is a good thing; in others, it can be toxic, such as when anger is used as a mechanism for controlling other people.
Jealousy and Self-Image
Learning how to overcome jealousy involves examining all aspects of your self-image. What is your projected self (in other words, the image you show to others), and what is the hidden self (or the “you” that is tucked away in the back of your mind, the product of the stories you’ve been told about being good enough or not good enough)? And what kind of a verdict is your inner judge handing you about who you are?
Do you ever think to yourself, “I’m just not good enough”? If you experience low self-esteem, worry, and/or aggression, your inner judge might be rather condemning because you do not feel as if your hidden self matches your projected self. This might lead to you trying to control the attention of someone else, someone whom you desire or who embodies your idealized projected self. When this person does not acknowledge you in the way that you would like, consider how it makes you feel.
Differentiating Jealous Feelings From Jealous Actions
It is crucial that you differentiate jealous feelings from jealous actions when you are learning how to overcome jealousy. You will likely experience jealous feelings down the road, but drawing the line between emotions and actions can make the jealousy you experience less overpowering.
There is a difference between having feelings of jealousy and acting upon them, and it is important to learn how to access and acknowledge these feelings before you decide to act on them. In fact, current therapeutic treatment models (such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy [CBT] and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy [ACT]) encourage people to accept the fact that they experience jealous emotions and commit to choosing how you process and react to these feelings.
Assessing Jealousy In Your Relationships
It can be easy to focus too much on the nitty-gritty details of our relationships. This is why it is important to take a step back. Stop and assess how jealousy might be impacting you and your relationships. There is one important thing that you can realize while learning how to overcome jealousy. As such, uncertainty (and the worry and anxiety that it can create) is a natural component of most personal relationships.
Jealousy in relationships tends to stem from the lofty and often unrealistic expectations we develop about relationships, starting when we are young. Experiences and emotions stemming from past relationships can make their way to the forefront of your mind. Thus, they affect your current relationships, causing doubt, fear, worry, and anxiety, among other emotions.
Part of the process of overcoming your jealous emotions involves acknowledging that your current relationship is its own experience. Moreover, accept that your current partner is their own unique person. You should also consider examining the relationship examples you received throughout your life. For example, if your parents went through a difficult divorce where they openly expressed their hostilities, you might worry that the same thing will happen to you. The jealousy that you saw can carry over into your own relationships as an adult.
Creating Your Jealousy Tool Kit
While jealousy can be difficult to overcome, it is not insurmountable. Having the right tools at your disposal can help you craft a stronger and more realistic self-image. This lessens the jealousy you experience in your relationships. You can do much of the work yourself. You simply need to be introspective and follow the CBT and ACT methods, even without a counselor present. However, there is no shame in reaching out for professional help. If you have supportive loved ones on your side, it can also make a world of difference.
Learning how to overcome jealousy takes time and effort. You can decide to follow CBT, ACT, or another therapeutic methodology. At the same time, it’s essential to embrace a more realistic and positive “you”. This can keep those jealous feelings (and all of the anger and worry that comes along with them) at a reasonable distance.
Images source: depositphotos.com
