Marital counseling is about finding the individuality in each person. When we can better understand our marital partner and ourselves, then the wonderful benefits of a loving relationship can be experienced. Marital counseling provides conversations to discover each other’s inner life and how it works. The number one fear in marriage or long-term relationships is intimacy. I am referring to the intimacy of sharing what goes on inside each persons mind and body.
Equality
Usually, marital counseling begins with competition. Marriage partners are usually stuck in a painful repetition of whose way is right. Who is working more? Who is giving more? Who is suffering more? This competition can be acted out through money, parenting, sexuality, and what we do with our time. It is fundamentally coming from a desire to be seen, loved, and understood. Everyone wants that.
One of the biggest mistakes marital counselors make is allowing anger to go on and on. Anger has a very import function, but couples can do most of that at home, it is a lot cheaper. Retaliatory anger is not productive in healing through marital counseling. Clients can best use their time in marital counseling by reflecting on what is underneath the anger. Usually, there is fear, helplessness, shame and the rest of the painful feelings that need acknowledging. Acknowledgment begins by naming it, giving it an image, or telling the story. Aggression begets aggression, kindness begets kindness.
Attitude
Marital counseling can gradually move from competitive dialogue, to dialogues of true interest in your partners world. When each person can gradually begin to put the needy vulnerable part of themselves on hold and to attend to another, a softening of both worlds can be experienced. Those needy vulnerable parts need their turn to be heard from both individuals. Marital counseling needs to be facilitated and guided in this direction, away from competition.
Marital counseling can be the most challenging but has the potential for the greatest rewards. The rewards are not only yours, but extend to your children and grandchildren. It is possible to learn the skill of relationship in marriage. To discover your own inner life in front of your partner can be powerfully awakening. It not only allows one to experience deep feelings and memories with another but to experience their love and understanding. Also, this awakening shows us where our partners are limited and may not be able to be supportive. When our partners have different points of view and we do not feel seen or understood by them, we have another opportunity to experience them as they are. They are not our savior. Too much gets projected onto our marriage partners. We cannot expect our partner to be the parents we never had, or the God and Goddess in our life. They are human. As I allow my marriage partner to be human, I can allow myself to be human and not carry such unreasonable expectations.
Unreasonable Expectations
The competition comes from unreasonable expectations. Expectations that are part of our individual history of socialization. This socialization has an ancient history passed down through the generations from family to family. Each person has been socialized differently. If we were to travel around the world, we can quickly see that what is sacred in one culture is profane in another. The same is true in families. Anger may be seenThese various attitudes of right and wrong have just been beliefs to organize families and cultures. Families and cultures need organization. However, many of these beliefs are no longer useful. Particularly, competition. When marital counseling can put two people together as collaborators, spiritual friends, partners on the path, soul mates, or whatever, then there is the richness of marriage as the power of one and two.
