Couples therapy usually begins with a few long standing arguments that are draining the life out of the relationship as well as each individual. One person may be aware of the problem and the other may not. One person or both may be angry about the state of affairs. There may be raging arguments, smoldering passive aggression, or the argument may have moved into addiction and/or affairs. Whatever the conflict, both partners are in big pain.
Couples counseling may begin by going around and around about parenting, who is wasting money, or why we need to have more or less sex. These topics need to be discussed and worked through, but it also takes a deeper look. Lasting change in a marriage happens as each individual takes responsibility for their part of the problem. Otherwise, we go to the therapist to make a chart to put on the refrigerator for who does what and when. That approach does not deal with the deeper unhappiness within the individuals. If we do not address the deeper issues, they get played out in blame and mis-communication with our partner and friend.
Counseling is not about finding blame
When the time is right, marriage counseling can then move toward asking individual questions such as, “What are the conflicts I am having within myself that are mine?”, such as; “Why am I so anxious and depressed?”, “What is the difficulty I have with life that has nothing to do with my partner?”, “What am I doing in this job or career?”, “What am I doing as a parent, as a partner?”
For example:
This is an argument with ourself: One part of me is saying, “I’m sad, I am confused, I’m anxious” and another part of me says, “shut up, stop your whining, vulnerability is to be hidden and not exposed.”
Or, one part of me says, “the hell with it all, what about me?” and another part argues, “but I want relationship and meaning in my life, I don’t want to be alone.”
As marriage therapy evolves, the arguments with oneself become more conscious and “on the table” with everything else that a couple may be working with. A fundamental longing can then be named: “How can I be happy?” and “How can we be happy?”.
There are two parts.
Also, as individuals we need to be clear about: What we need, what we are afraid of, what is disappointing to us and what we long for. And gradually more honest and open about what we dump on our partners.
The main piece of relationship advice I could give, is to question this discord within ourself and get some help with that. If that inner conflict is shared with your partner and they can share their’s with you, then we can put down some of these arguments and distancing that drain our energy. Then, we can share a walk together talking about it all, moving toward less resistance of what is, where we have come from, and where we might go together.
