A mother needs enough distance from her to daughter to see what she needs as an individual and enough emotional connection that her daughter feels seen and heard. Then the daughter can mature in her own unique way and the mother feels more satisfied with her role as a mother. This is the purpose of mother and daughter counseling.
This takes some awareness and self reflection for the mother, because she is working with her own negative attitudes from the past which can easily be transferred to her daughter. Simply, the mother needs to know her own emotional confusion and attempt to not play that out on her daughter. Easier said then done, right?
The primary responsibility in mother daughter therapy is with the mother, since the mother is the adult, teacher and model of a woman for her daughter. That is why individual therapy for mom can be the fastest solution. In my experience, when the mother matures, the daughter matures. Therefore, mother and daughter counseling is then minimal or unnecessary.
Why Do Mother and Daughter Relationship Problems Occur?
Mother daughter relationship problems occur when the mother is not aware of her unconscious attitudes. No wonder the daughter is angry and distant if mom is guilt-tripping her or critical of her behavior. Here are some examples of what mothers need to notice.
- Mother becomes aware that she is not perceiving her daughter at the age she is now, so demeans her or expects something beyond her emotional capabilities. Learning some parenting skills for your daughter’s age can help this.
- Mother realizes she is afraid for her daughter’s future if she does not learn certain lessons, so then becomes critical instead of conversational about the situation. Ask her some questions, get to know how she perceives the situation. This helps her trust you and have a place to share her confusion.
- Mother realizes she is afraid of her daughters anger so does not say no when necessary. Mother’s fear of confrontation needs to be uncovered with a therapist or other adult friend.
- Mother realizes she is helpless to a certain degree in protecting her daughter. Mothers need to suffer their own limitations and realize that daughters need to learn certain lessons on their own. Then you will be there when they want to talk about it.
- Mothers realize they want their daughters to have the life they did not have, so act out that frustration on their daughters instead of modeling it. (Do what I say not what I do). Mothers need to hold their frustration and differentiate from their daughters life.
The Benefit for Daughters in Mother and Daughter Counseling: 
- Daughters have a safe place to speak their truth and have mother listen.
- Daughters are better able to hear mothers point of view.
- Daughters get a better idea of what part of the problem belongs to mom and what part is hers.
- Daughters are better able to understand the limits of mother’s emotional maturity and her ability to be present to her daughter’s emotions.
- Some daughters learn mothers cannot be mothers, they are too wounded and refuse to get help. It is important for daughters to accept this, then they can grieve the loss and get help in other ways. Trying over and over to work it out with a mother that cannot go there is exhausting.
Untangling Mother and Daughter for a Better Connection
Family counseling with father and siblings or mother daughter counseling are both effective to get the dynamic between mother and daughter out on the table. Mothers and daughters can get so tangled up. Most family counseling services can help untangle mixed up expectations, emotions, and responsibilities of both mother and daughter. It helps the relationship become more objective. Mother and daughter counseling provides a beginning for this differentiation by defining the work for mother and defining the work for daughter.
For example: Here is a dialogue of a mother with her early teen daughter in therapy. The mother has done some individual therapy herself prior to beginning sessions with her daughter in the room. Notice how she listens without getting defensive. Notice how she doesn’t just give in. Notice how she can set limits without being punitive or shaming. Notice a fundamental attitude of acceptance without codependence.
Mother: Is there something that you wanted to talk about today sweetie?
Daughter: I’m pissed at you. I don’t want to talk about anything.
M: I get you are really mad at me. It seems to me you have been mad at me for a long time. (sits in the silence for a few minutes with out saying anything, waiting as calmly as possible)
M: I also know you do not want to talk about it. But this is a chance for us to work through this. I want to know how angry you have been and how much life sucks for you.
D: You don’t realize how much it sucks!
M: I know, I don’t.
D: There’s stuff going on at school that you wouldn’t understand.
M: I would like to try. Would you want to tell me a little bit?
D: One of the girls in my group, and I’m not going to say her name had sex.
M: Does that scare you?
D: Yea it scares me and it’s stupid.
M: How is it stupid?
D: She’s too young that’s what’s stupid.
M: What scares you?
D: That she is going to get hurt! (tears)
M: What do worry might happen to her?
D: The boy she had sex is such a dick. I hate him.
M: You’re angry at him too, huh?
D: Yea (tears)
M: (holds her daughter while she cries)
M: I am glad you told me all of this. It feels good that you are aware of what is happening and that you can share it with me.
D: It feels good to me too Mom.
This mother knows how to let her daughter open up without giving her a bunch of advice or dumping worry all over her. She knows how to wait, she is going slow as her daughter is obviously learning about relationship and sex. Mom is making it safe for her daughter to open up. Then there is a better chance for her daughter to receive some advice when the timing is right.
Look around in your local communities for free counseling services if money is tight. Look for parenting books that fit the age of your daughter, toddler, teen, and adult child. They give some language to help get things started.
A mother and daughter are always in a process of maturity because life doesn’t let us out of that one. It is never to late to grow up a little. It may feel shameful to ask for help, but it is very intelligent.
