“Never go to bed angry” was derived from a bible verse:
“let not the sun go down upon your wrath” Ephesians 4:26.
Ideally, this is a very good suggestion, but what if you cannot do this? When in fact, you stay up most of the night angry and are angry for days. I feel angry when I hear a statement telling me “never” to do something. I understand the reference; resolve angry feelings, especially before sleep. Anger can make for a miserable night if we cannot let it go. We need more than a rule when it comes to anger and strong emotions.
Absolute statements such as this are more useful to us as a reminder rather than a rule. They help us to be aware of what we are feeling and thinking. For example, “I am trying to go to sleep right now and I am angry at my partner. What to do?” Also, “I am aware that I cannot let the anger go”.
Now we have something to work with. When we cannot let go of anger, it means there is more to it. There are other emotions and thoughts that need to be brought to light.
Never, always, should and shouldn’t will eventually fail because life has a changing agenda, it pushes us to grow and mature, well past the time we would like to call it good.
“I am over-whelmed with anger right now and I cannot sleep”. Time for a different approach.
Opening a larger view of anger
If we look at this verse psychologically, “let not the sun go down upon your wrath”, the light of the sun represents attention, awareness, or consciousness. It is a warning. Don’t fall asleep to yourself. Know where your anger is and what it is doing. Stay conscious, keep the light on.
For example, have you ever been mad at someone or something and taken it out on someone else who had nothing to do with it?
That is an example of “the sun going down on our wrath”. I pushed it into the unconscious(darkness) for “safe keeping”. I did not want to deal with it.
So, instead the anger gets distorted and comes out in a place that makes for an additional complication. I expressed my anger to the wrong person. The anger didn’t go away. It still needed to be dealt with.
Anger as a doorway
For example, anger in marriage or anger in any couple’s relationship is resolved by looking at what is behind the door. We look to see what else is there. There is obviously more going on when anger cannot be dissolved.
Honesty without blame is the work. Dumping my “wrath” on another is not honesty. Yes, anger needs to be expressed in all relationships, it is very healthy. But dumping is not expressing, it’s dumping. Taking one’s part of the problem is honesty.
What to do with anger?
First, the work starts with naming other feelings that are behind the anger. For example, “I noticed I have been angry with you lately. I have actually felt needy and did not want to ask for some affection. I expected you to know what I want. I thought that if you loved me, you would know what I want with out me asking.”
Secondly, make associations to other people and situations. This will open up a clearer more objective view. For example, “I realized it is easier for me to get mad at you than to feel my insecurity. I do not want to admit that my dad did that with my mom. How lonely, he must have been.”
Third, stay aware of what you are doing with the angry feelings and what the anger is doing with you. When emotions are strong, something is changing in one’s life that needs attention and we may not know what this is for awhile. This is a good time to write, talk with a therapist, or meditate to keep the process grounded.
Holding anger and expressing anger
There are three main ways we respond with the emotion of anger or any other feeling: repression or expression and a blend of both.
When we repress something it is as if it no longer exists. “I push a feeling away and that’s that.” This method is fine as long as we take those feelings back out into the light and examine them later. If we leave them in the dark they start to ferment and stink. They can even make us sick. They can produce health problems, depression and superficial relationships when they are left unattended too long. If you need some science on this I would suggest areas of mind/body medicine.
When we express anger, it is conscious to ourselves and it is usually conscious to others. Even if it is dumped on someone that does not deserve it. At least it is out in the light of day. It can be a place to start by an acknowledgement of the “dump” and an apology.
Holding anger and expressing anger at the same time makes it more workable. For example, “I notice I am getting angry and afraid when you drive fast. Please slow down.”
However, emotional abuse and violence is anger left unattended for way too long, it has made one sick. Yes, I have seen clients learn something from their violent behavior from domestic violence and child abuse. It was a build up of unresolved anger and hurt they had repressed. It blew up when the circumstances were just right. Now there is help for domestic violence and those hurting children.
What is this anger about?
Whether you are going to bed angry is not the issue. Yes, it is wonderful sometimes if we can say to our partner. “Let’s give this argument a rest. There is more here for us to untangle, so let’s not try to finish it tonight?” “We can talk tomorrow after work. Ok?”
What is this anger about? Asking that question helps it from going unconscious and causing bigger problems.
Some examples:
For example, I am angry because she/he left the sponge in the sink or the cap off the toothpaste(it could be any object) after I asked him/her not to.
Narrow conclusion: Therefore that means she/he doesn’t respect me and he/she is being passive aggressive. The only way to talk about this is to blow-up, the silent treatment, be sarcastic about it, or nag them until they buckle under.
Honest conclusion: “I first noticed that I was angry when you left the sponge in the sink after we agreed to put it up to dry. Underneath the anger I could feel my anxiety about trying to “make things right”, as if the placement of the sponge makes things right. I even feel you do not care about me. When I am unsure of how you feel about me, I attack. I know you love me but why can’t I trust that? I need to make you bad for some reason. I became aware of how I feel bad or not “right” about a lot of things in my life. I had a dream last night that I was a prisoner. I know it is easier for me to play the victim. I know what I have to do to get my strength back, I just don’t want to do it. That is what I am really angry about.”
For example, I am angry because he/she doesn’t want to have more sex.
Narrow conclusion: That means they are not the one for me.
Honest conclusion: I do not want to recognize each person has different needs. Having to accept that fact of life is what makes me angry and I do not know how to talk about it. I feel very frustrated on how to handle this and talk about it.
For example, I am angry because you are too hard/soft on the kids.
Narrow conclusion: I have to make him/her do it my way.
Honest conclusion: “I am afraid the kids will not be prepared for life. I really need some help on this so I don’t take my worry out on you or the kids. Let’s see if we can find a better way. Do you have any ideas?”
For example: I get angry how he/she deals with money. I feel angry the way they spend money, save money, or the way they make money. “It is so clear to me, the right way to deal with money. He/she doesn’t get it.”
Narrow conclusion: fill in the blank
Honest conclusion: fill in the blank
Has anyone experienced arguments like these? Maybe everyone?
“Don’t go to bed mad” anger as a doorway 
We can find the subtlety of our character and the subtlety of our relationships as we look behind the doorway of anger. This is where emotional intimacy can bloom.
There is a way to relate with anger that is not destructive to relationships or to oneself. Using anger as a doorway into subtler more intimate conversations with another is the art.
