Parenting: Outer Child and Inner Child
Listening to your child is one of the most important things you can do. Listening to their, “ga, oo, ba, ba” as babies. And listening to your teen say, “You’re so stupid, could I borrow twenty bucks?” Parenting is how you listen and then how you respond. As you listen to your child you ask yourself, “What is going on in my mind? What is going on in my body?” This is where you listen to the child part of yourself and your child, simultaneously.
For example, if my teen calls me stupid and asks for twenty bucks, I might want to call them stupid right back because that is what happened to me or I might give them twenty bucks and have another beer, because I was avoided in various ways. Either way, that is what was modeled for you. There is another step. What would you have wanted from your parents? What did “you” need, when you were a teen? You need to parent the neglected inner child of your own, while you say to your teen, “that hurts”, “what’s going on?” Then listen, don’t defend or go into a monologue about what is appropriate. Many times they do not even realize they are angry and entitled. They are children trying to be adults and they need you to model adult relationship.
Similarity of inside and outside
The child standing in front of you and the child part within yourself have a similar situation, they do not understand what to do with emotion and instincts, so it comes out irrational and impulsive. That is why, as a parent, it is necessary to hold your confused child part and not identify with it, otherwise you will become child-like and respond from that place, irrational and impulsive. This is true as a parent, marriage partner or any other relationship. Everybody has a young irrational part to themselves. How you listen and guide that part is the name of the game.
As parents we are put in a position to evaluate what we learned as children and make decisions about how we want to guide our kids. It is difficult to know what to do, if you did not learn it as a child. What do you want to give your children? This is the work of self-reflection. Are you over-compensating because you didn’t get what you needed, or are you identifying with your parents confusion and doing the same thing to your kids? Just to be aware of this, gives you the moment to not act it out on your children or if you do act it out, then you can come back and talk about it or apologize.
Parenting a child is guiding a child into the culture. Parents are a bridge to relationship with others, relationship with emotions, relationship to work and play, relationship with the unknown and so forth. You are probably a very good parent because you have read this far, you want to learn, and give your kids some wisdom and kindness. Right?
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