Problems in marriage are an opportunity to get what we need for ourselves and family. As I said in the previous post, change in an individual, marriage or family will happen, it is what we do with the change that makes the difference in satisfaction and getting what we need. And sometimes, we don’t even know what we need until there is a problem and it forces us to look at things differently and then make a change for the better.
We could safely say that everyone needs happiness, satisfaction, peace, kindness, love, equality and so forth. But on the surface it looks like, “I need you to agree with me, and do it my way, then I will get what I need and be happy.” “Consequently, you will be happy because I will be happy.” Or we could see life itself as our marriage partner; “If I could bend life the way I want it, then I would be happy”. But whether it is our marriage partner or life itself, “I am” is the only constant. I can only change my husband or wife so much and I can only change life, so much. Then I have to look at my part of the problem. And, that is where happiness and satisfaction reside.
What is happening for the individuals in a marriage?
When a problem arises in marriage, whatever the circumstance, each individual needs to adjust in attitude and behavior. This does not mean adapting to whatever the other wants. It means something is changing and we need to be attentive to that. Something is not working any more, it is stale, dissatisfied, or unhappy. This lifelessness needs to be addressed, otherwise, it stays the same or gets worse. If one person in the marriage is having a hard time, the other is affected, and so are the children, and the dog. So to reduce the negative affect, the problems in marriage are asking for attention and a new approach.
When there are problems in the marriage, it is best to start with the adults, do not bring the kids into it. It is not a problem for the children. They have their own problems that need to be addressed in a child way, not an adult way. Each person in the marriage needs to ask themselves, “What is my part of the problem?”. This may be too honest of a question, but you can keep the secret to yourself, at first. Just to admit to yourself where you are confused, afraid, or hurt. Or, how you have been secretly trying to manipulate, make guilty or punish the other for things that are really your own to deal with. This may be too hard to share with your partner in the beginning, but at least it is out of the closet, to yourself. Then there is the possibility to do something about adjusting attitude and behavior.
So problems in a marriage need an individual approach at first. It can be a great relief to a marriage partner to hear what belongs to you, to admit how you have been behaving and why. Then it can make it easier for the other person to admit their part of the problem. Usually, there is very little left which remains a problem when each person takes care of their own emotional confusion instead of blaming the other person.
