In the previous post, How to Save Your Marriage, we began looking at basic guidelines for marriage. Save Your Marriage, part 2 goes a little deeper into the conversations that are necessary to untangle common problems. I thought I would give some examples of how that might look.
I am not saying that there will never be blame, manipulation, passive aggression, name calling, rejection and so forth in marriage. That is not the point. The point is, a little of this goes a long way. Over-doing-it poisons any relationship: marriage, parent-child, and friendship. The second point is the importance of what you do with the negativity, such as, how you feel about it, how you think about it, and then how you talk about it. There is always something to learn from negativity. And it is usually insightful and humbling.
For example, let’s say your partner wants to buy a new car. You could tell them they are selfish and crazy because you don’t have the money to spend on a new car. You may even be right, they are being selfish and crazy, but that doesn’t help them understand their attempt to take care of themselves (selfish) or their irrational perspective (crazy). In fact it may drive it further away.
Questions instead of criticism: A less demeaning approach is with questions. Genuine questions without a critical tone of voice. This allows the person who wants the new car a chance to open up about struggles they may not even be aware of. For example: How did you come to that decision to buy a car? What are your ideas about paying for it? Ask anything you need to, to understand their point of view. Keep in mind that there may be more to it, such as, they are unhappy about something at their job and they just want to spend some of their hard earned money on themselves. It then becomes a discussion about unhappiness at work and what could be done about that. Then a discussion about how to take better care of oneself, which in the long run would be more satisfying than retail therapy as the band-aid.
After you hear your partner’s point of view, then it is your turn. “I understand how frustrated you feel.” “I see how nice it would be to have a new car, and it sounds like you feel helpless at your job. Do you have any ideas about what could be done?” “I have a few ideas, would you like to hear them?”
Be with, rather than be against: To be present for your partner so they can trust you and work out deeper levels of a problem requires you to hold defensive reactions and hold competitive responses to do it your way. Then as a team you can work on deeper issues together. The success in marriage can be measured by emotional trust and how to allow individual differences. Then you can enjoy the money you have, figure out how sex can be satisfying for both, and parent the children with less tension.
“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” Friedrich Nietzsche
