When any of our instinctual functions are out of balance, we can look a little deeper to find sources of emotional and physiological disruption. Sexuality is an instinct of human nature, similar to how we eat, how we care for ourselves, and how we sleep at night. It may show itself as a sexual problem or a sleep problem, but there is definitely more to it.
Sexual problems need to be addressed as well as the emotional struggles, especially emotional struggles that indirectly or directly add to the sexual imbalance.
If I am stressing about work, school, or family it will affect instinctual satisfaction and creativity. As a couple works through these other stresses the sex gets better, we care for ourselves (appreciate) better and experience some good sleep, too.
Usually one or both partners is struggling with something that may or may not be a sexual problem and one or both partners do not know how to talk about it. Yes, it can be medical, that always needs to be addressed first, then the emotional relationship reflected in sexuality can be brought into the light of day, named for what it is, and talked about.
Looking at sexual problems, money problems, and food and drinking problems symbolically or metaphorically can help to redirect the power struggle. That is why a sex therapist is rarely necessary, it is too literal. All licensed psychotherapists are trained in helping individuals and couples with sexual difficulty.
A common example;
One of the partners in the relationship does not want to have sex as much as the other, so the conversation gets stuck in “more”, “less”, “right”, “wrong”, “my way”, “your way”, etc. It could be the same argument as the amount of spending, amount of boundaries raising children, or the amount of time we spend together as a couple, or the amount of time we spend with your friends, my relatives and so forth; amount, amount, amount. Yes, the problem of amount needs addressing along with the following:
I want more or less sex because work so stressful.
I want more or less sex because I am worried about……..
I want more or less sex because I don’t know how to connect with you.
I want more or less sex because I am sad about……..
I want more or less sex because it gives me a sense of control.
Sexual Surrogate
Sexual surrogacy has more potential problems than benefits. A sex surrogate may complicate the problem by bringing in another relationship. As people we naturally attach to others or are triggered by others, which can activate the already insecure vulnerability. Relationship to personal and interpersonal vulnerability is the fundamental problem in the first place, unless there is a medical cause to the sexual function. Unconscious vulnerability from past hurt and abuse is usually the problem, and that is why psychotherapy would be the first choice of treatment.
Sexual conflict is asking for deeper conversations
In the example above, amount needs to be addressed through other conversations. These conversations are usually about feelings and past relationships that are kept secret or unconscious, secret to oneself and then secret to the other. This can be anxiety about anything; money, appearance, performance, hurt and abuse in the past from sexual, physical, or emotional pain.
The question then becomes, “How can we understand each other emotionally so our different needs can be part of the balance rather than a struggle and something to fight about?”. Once this is addressed, we can come together with some ease about amount of sex, money, and time together because we are working together with our individual emotional life as it affects ourselves and others.
