For decades, psychologists have been talking about the cycle of abuse. While, on the surface, this theory seems pretty straightforward (in that an individual ends up repeating the stages of abuse over and over again), it actually has many complexities. Since you are your own unique individual in your own unique situation, your cycle of abuse might look a little different than someone else’s.
However, there are some elements of the core theory that seem to hold true in most abuse situations. Once you understand the cycle of abuse, you might be better able to finally break it.
Development of a Theory
In 1979, American psychologist Lenore E. Walker proposed a new social cycle theory that expounded on behavioral patterns that occur in an abusive relationship. After studying 1,500 women who had been in relationships where domestic abuse was present, Walker crafted what she thought of as a universally applicable theory on the cyclical nature of abuse. Walker divided the cycle up into four phases, the fourth of which ends up feeding back into the first phase.
Phase 1: Tension Building
In the first phase, there is a build-up of tension in a relationship. All of life’s stressors – even seemingly minor ones – accrue over time, and communication breaks down. The abusive partner in the relationship might start feeling agitated, annoyed, or neglected. They can stay this way for days, weeks, or even a few months.
The victim in the relationship will likely do anything in their power to prevent violence from occurring during this phase. They might become completely complicit with their loved one or even become overly-nurturing toward them. On the other hand, the victim might just provoke the violence in order to get the lesser degree of violence over with. Verbal abuse tends to become more common in this phase.
Phase 2: Acute Violence
After enough stressors have piled up and verbal abuse has been launched, the aggressor in the relationship will next delve into acute violent outbursts or battering. This type of behavior is typically not triggered by something the victim intentionally says or does; it is the result of how the abuser is already feeling or by some external factor setting them off.
If you are a victim facing this phase of abuse, you know that this phase can be difficult to predict. It’s often hard to tell if you unintentionally said or did something to agitate your abuser, as they struggle to communicate their thoughts and feelings when amped up on rage.
Phase 3: Reconciliation (or the Honeymoon Period)
The reconciliation period tends to happen after the abusive person realizes the shamefulness of their behavior. They will apologize (often profusely) and promise to never harm their loved one again, and even offer up things they can do to make amends. They will overcompensate with their generosity as a way to assure their loved one that the abusive behavior will not repeat itself.
Phase 4: Calm
Finally, a sense of calmness is reached. It is during this time that the abusive partner might try to normalize the relationship. They’ll even attempt to go to counseling. If your loved one is doing this, you might, at first, sincerely think that they are making a significant effort to change their behaviors and attitudes. Unfortunately, since this is a cycle of abuse, the calmness does not last.
As time goes on, the abusive partner’s commitment to positive changes might waver, and their apologies will likely seem increasingly insincere and be less frequent. Since stressors and tensions cannot be avoided, this brings the pair back into the tension-building phase.
Does the Cycle Span Multiple Generations?
As Dr. Nigel Barber points out, there seems to be some truth to the concept that abusive parents yield abusive children. When a child witnesses or even directly experiences abusive behavior from one or both parents, a precedent is set that guides their thoughts and behaviors.
Additionally, scientists link the inability to calmly deal with stressors with lowered expression of glucocorticoid receptors in the brain. In animal subjects, these receptors are more prevalent in expression when the mother engages in behavior (like licking of pups) that aims to reduce stress for the baby.
Similarly, decreased glucocorticoid receptor expression is being found in adult humans who experienced child abuse. As it turns out, the amount of nurturing (or lack thereof) actually impacts the make-up of the human brain, as it causes greater amounts of DNA methylation (a process which turns certain genes “off”). In other words, the cycle of abuse has some epigenetic aspects that have a lot to do with what kind of treatment a child receives.
Breaking the Cycle of Abuse
The cycle of abuse can seem like a hopeless thing. But it doesn’t have to be. The cycle can be broken, but doing so takes a significant amount of effort. It is important to keep in mind that abusers will typically gladly stay in relationships with people they can control, people who will go above and beyond to try to appease them regardless of how badly they’re abused.
You can break the cycle of abuse by recognizing the abuse. Confide in someone you trust and let them know what you’ve been going through. You can even seek help from a local domestic violence center. Once you reach out and speak up, you will find yourself breaking free from the chains of abuse. Then, you will also learn how to respond to your abuser in a way that protects you from them. You might not be able to completely rid this person from your life; however, you can change how their verbal attacks affect you.
Summing Up
The cycle of abuse is a dangerous – even deadly – one. As time goes on, an abuser can become more physically, mentally, and emotionally controlling and aggressive. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to reach out for help and begin regaining control of your life and your self-esteem.
