Most of the arguments and distancing that happen in couples’ relationships will have something to do with trust. It could be trusting the fidelity of the other, trust with money and children, or trust wounds that began in childhood that are getting played out in the marriage. As a marriage and family therapist, I look at trust issues in a different way. I wonder, What does this mean? Why now? Where is the fear?
Trusting the Fidelity
Commonly, trust issues are emotional and/or sexual affairs outside of the marriage. Yes, this is very hurtful and some are not able to work through it in couples therapy. This usually happens because the connection between the couple had deteriorated over time. Couples loose their connection by not caring for the connection, that means honest and open communication daily or close to it.
For example, here are some of the reasons emotional and sexual affairs appear and why it is so important to get to the bottom it.
“I had an affair because you are having an affair with your work, that’s your true love.”
“I had an affair because it was not about us any more. It was always about the kids and the house. Where do I fit into that?”
“I had an affair to get your attention. It’s not working anymore and you do not want to address it. I’ve asked you to go with me to couples therapy but you refused.”
“I had an affair because you are married to your friends or your parents or your depression or the house or alcohol or the work or the money…….”
Trust with Money and Children
“I do not trust how you handle money.” “I do not trust how you are with the kids.” Some hold onto the money and kids too tightly and some hold on too loosely.
Money and children can bring up the most confusion because they are so deeply important to us. Trust issues go hand and hand with fear. Money and children can be the battlefield for problems that go much deeper than arguments about who has the right way to spend money or raise children? Money and children are problems that are always changing. Therefore, marriage partners need each other for support instead of squaring off for the big fight. It is better to share feelings of fear and helplessness than always going to anger and distancing.
Broken Trust in Childhood
A marriage counselor also needs to evaluate if the trust issues are coming from a breach of trust during childhood. Most people have some degree of working through childhood trust issues. It requires us to differentiate what happened in the past from what is happening in the moment.
For example, “I never learned to trust my feelings because they were always wrong or not good enough. I can’t even trust myself”
“There was nothing stable in childhood. I could not trust that my mother would make dinner or my father wouldn’t come home drunk. I learned to trust the TV. I don’t know what to do sometimes.”
“I couldn’t imagine trusting anyone after my parents divorced.”
Relationship counseling is this:
Learning to trust each others willingness to work with differences as individuals and the unknown changes that life throws us along the way. That may include getting some help from time to time.
Everyone has a different background growing up, so that creates various sorts of fears in adult life. We need someone to share these fears with, to explore how sometimes the fears are realistic and sometimes they are from the past, they just got triggered. We need someone that we can open to and wonder about how we want to live life together; how to manage intimacy, money, raise the kids and trust an emotional bond with the other that can face this modern life.
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